— goldenboy

Golden Boy – The last time I mentioned him, I was at my therapist’s. I told her that it was time for the Golden Boy blog to die, for a new one to take its place. Perhaps, I have already started that. A brand new blog with a brand new name. And there is nothing personal in it. It is just about things around. But nothing of my personal self, nothing of Golden Boy.

I wonder how much did I spend on this blog, writing here at the cyber café, keeping an eye on the hands of the clock!

Times of pain, times of glee, anger, dark fears, intense lust and passion – perhaps you have listened to Golden Boy in all those moments speaking here. He still speaks, you know, if one cares to flip through the pages of this blog. And you walk directly into his life, into his mind. And you know exactly what he is feeling then, what is happening to him, how life is treating him, how he is taking on life.

At times, readers must have felt, his writings were mere play with words. All rhetoric, no sense!

Did life of Golden Boy have any sense at all? Did he exist at all to matter to anyone, or was he just a figment of his own mind, living in a surreal world, where he thought he was the actor and the rest spectators, engrossed in the drama of his life, as for once they saw him fighting on like a Knight, at other times he spoke eloquently like a scholar, and at other times he wept imagining that the world wept with him as they often do when watching soap operas on TV.

Golden Boy was always on an adventure! What else could it have been with a name like that, as if he was some cartoon book hero.
And as I search him now, to draw him back onto this now silent stage, I can’t find him anywhere.

The flame that was Golden Boy, with his Don Quixotic escapades, has been blown out.

There is no Golden Boy now!

If you loved Golden Boy please Click Here…

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Finally posting from home

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Hi. Writing here after a long time. Propelled into writing here now by
two events: Sidd exclaimed in “the group” mails that he hasn’t seen me
writing here for too long. That made me smile. At least there is one
person out there who cares if goldenboy writes here or not.

Secondly, I have been wanting to express what I have been pondering
upon. I have been reading Krishnamurti and what I understand is that
he is saying that -a heart that is dead to the suffering of the poor &
the miserables, is a dead man’s heart.

There is this whole new phenomenon changing the world (no I am not
talking about the Occupy Wall Street, or Arab Spring) but the book and
the Film “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne. The philosophy, espoused in The
Secret has entered into the hearts and minds of all “Spiritual”
people, and Corporates! The book asserts that The Law of Attraction
works i.e.when one always keeps a positive attitude, and keeps away
from negativity, and keeps thinking of what one wants, one gets what
he wants. (you need to see the movie, it is not that simple as i write
here)

I worked in a firm, where the Director was such a die-hard fan of the
film that he would not listen to any negative feedback in the
Institute.

I see this virus of ‘ignoring all that is negative’ , spreading like a
social malaise. Nobody likes me talking about a poor abandoned old
woman, nearly blind, on the street, who makes my heart go out to her!
Her poverty, her distress, her tears, her dignity, her failures when
she is forced to beg, all of it moves me!

I know many people who would tell me, “if her plight moves you so
much, why don’t you take her home?” (I wish I could, I wish I could
take each one of these elderly abandoned persons to my own facility
someday, a rehab, where they will be treated with the dignity a human
being deserves.) I wonder if these people understand that she must
have been a mom, a daughter, a sister, a wife. This is not the way,
she must have been paid back. This is not how her people must have
treated her.

The same Societal rules we live by, the same family structure in which
the mom has to ask for pocket money from her son, where women who do
all the household chore but are dependent on the working men in the
family, the same kind of families most of us live in, is the root
cause for this woman to be on the street today.

So, as I see it, (and you don’t have to agree to this one): anyone who
abides by the same family rules, the same Societal Structure, each one
of us is responsible for her state today!!

I am not saying each person to take out time for her, or feed her, or
rehab her. No! But when somebody speaks of poverty around, of people
dying of hunger on the streets of our own Cosmopolitan towns and
cities, why are they asked to shut up (in the name of Positive
Thinking!) I wonder what has happened to everyone?

We pseudo-Spirituals, want our middle-class cafes , gadgets , nice
positions in Corporates with fat salaries, and there is absolutely
nothing wrong with that. I want these too.

But when I am told not to look at the negativity and the rot in the
Society, to neglect the feelings in my heart for the poor, for my “own
well-being”, advised that by paying attention to all those
“negativity” in the world i would somehow paranormally “become
impoverished and negative” myself! (absolutely what ‘The Secret’
says), I wonder what the world is coming to?

We are becoming not only an insensitive world but also a very very
stupid and sick world.

Imagine the Stigma attached to the “Negative people” in all this Law
of Positivity business! The less-privileged sections of the society,
the rape, catastrophe , crime victims become invisible people, we
infact even blame them for their own destiny as self-created misery!
(again, exactly what The Secret says)

Finally, I wonder what would a person reading J.Krishnamurti, say
about “The Secret”! I would say, “Live Dead, live happy!”
Cheers!
(Thanks Sidd!)

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staying afloat… i know i am disconnected with the Guiding Energy Spirit… I am lost… But I will be found! I will be found!

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Adding up all my user names to one email.

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Have been learning a lot about life lately. Work has become my religion. Practicality has taken over.
I will take up blogging here again ferociously once I get a computer monitor for my CPU.
Hope to be able to blog frequently then.
Have much to express on Politics, Sexuality, Love, Spirituality.
Ciao for now.
Take care

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Three write-ups.

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In her latest update on Face Book Shakti Gawain, the Author of several New-Age books says:

“There is a universal intelligent life force within everyone and everything. It resides in each of us as a deep wisdom, an inner knowing”

And I wrote back to her: Your first two books helped me to go on a journey to connect with that inner knowing, a long time ago. …… I don’t know when I will cross-over into the realm of Insane. But I am sure that this “inner universal intelligent life force within me” will watch over me. Right Shakti?

Reading about one’s categorization of mental disorder on the internet can further psyche one, who is weak-hearted. I read about mine- Borderline Personality and Bipolar Mood Disorder. It seems all so glamourous in the movies Mr.Jones, and Girl interrupted. But reading about it, and knowing that I am like that feels – different. And given the trend since it all started with that one capsule, 13 years ago, it seems to me that this will only worsen.

This was the end of the world for me. I was horrified, nothing had struck me as bad as this. I was always optimistic telling myself that “this too shall pass”. But not this time. This time it seemed a life-punishment.

Looking over my past- the frenzy of high moods, the binge of self-damage and destruction that I wrecked in my own life and relationships, I can no longer identify in which instance was the real me, and in which it wasn’t me. I no longer know me. I feel like a stranger to my own self. (Only the categorization helps me feel purged of the guilt I carried over the years of how badly I performed in all relationships. It was just my disorder, I tell myself now!)

Hindus say that one’s afflictions and sorrows in this life are indicators of one’s past life karma. So more the problems God dishes out to you in this life, should be shouldered with patience since it erases sins and leads the soul to speedy redemption.

I like that philosophy now (anything that soothes the psyched mind now, will do).

And the concept of The Universal Intelligent Force that resides in us.. When I read that quote of Shakti, I had this image of myself in a mental asylum all lost in the realm of the insane, even as I floated above watching over myself from the ceiling!

If that happens, years of existence in the loony bin would not be so terrible. Right?

I AM a so-called “drama queen” (I hate that term queen, I am just a straight gay guy). All my thoughts are exaggerated. I might perhaps not end up in a mental asylum after all. Maybe after a couple of years, I will be healthy and “all cleaned-up”, with hard work and help from professional experts. I hope that this will turn out to be true.

I took an extra tablet of anti-anxiety drug. Am all psyched up.

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