Sunday, January 29, 2006

Pain again!

Tomorrow is my first day of work, after 2 years of unemployment. I have two offer letters in my hand, and have to choose which one I would take up.
 
-x-
 
The pain has re-surfaced. It’s a pain that craves for attention and love. It looks for an anchor, a safe harbor to seek shelter at the end of the day.
 
-x-
 
Been to a (free) Art of Living course. Six days and I have learnt “Sudarshan Kriya”.
 
Today was the last day. Watched young people extol the course, narrating how it has changed their lives. Wondered if it really was that powerful after all, or was it just the human psyche so desperate to believe that they had arrived at a harbor, so that the tumultuous sea would no longer be a problem.
 
-x-
 
What is it when two people hug each other that happen? What that seems to lighten you up? Today the teacher at the course hugged me as I bid her goodbye. And for a moment it seemed like… I was perfectly all right, everything was ok.
 
-x-
 
I remember what my therapist had taught me, to deal with such situations that I am facing today. Look at the pain, she would say. Do not resist it. Only that the weight seems too much, Uma.
 
-x-
 
I wish I had somebody with me now. To hold me, to hug me tonight.
 
Posted by GoldenBoy at 17:31:10 | Permalink | Comments (3)

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Out again!

Golden sun shines on the very path I walked everyday for 15 years to and from school, in Bandra where I spent my childhood. Trees that I watered on the way from my water-bottle, are still lush with green leaves. Buildings next to our apartment is gone. All that remains are creases on old yellow pages…
 
A night with an acquaintance, a failed attempt at lovemaking, ego-shattering experiences of the psyche. So much in a night. And all is well and fine.
 
-x-
 
Left home, been 10 days now. No longer living at my mom’s place. Put up at a far away place on the outskirts of Bombay. Sleepy roads and sunny streets, power-cuts and shanty teahouses, dust that never seems to settle down.
 
Hand-washing my laundry, traveling great distances for job-interviews, and a visit to clients for massage that pays just enough to keep my tummy full. An inner lightness and joy in my stride…
 
Temples, special pujas and a mass Sudarshan Kriya initiation on Tuesday at Mira Road.
 
Life is indeed good. Keeps me smiling and full of energy.
 
-x-
 
Sunday today, and my school-friend is attending a wedding, my paramour is busy with his steady-partner, roomie needs the room as his boy friend visits him on weekend. And a bagful of clothes waiting to be washed.
 
The movie Kalyug is out in theatres and waits for me…
 
Posted by GoldenBoy at 09:21:03 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Monday, January 9, 2006

Lyrics of a song..

juda hoke bhi tu mujh mein kahi baaki hai
palkon mein banke aansu tu chali aati hai
juda hoke bhi

waise zinda hu zindagi bin tere main
dard hi dard baaki raha hai seene mein
saans lena bhar hi yahan jeena nahi hain
ab toh aadat si hai mujhko aaise jeene mein

juda hoke bhi tu mujhmein kahi baaki hai
palkon mein banke aansu tu chali aati hai

saath mere hain tu har pal shab ke andhere mein
paas mere hain tu hardam ujle savere mein
dil se dhadkan bhula dena aasan nahi hai
ab toh aadat si hai mujhko aaise jeene mein

juda hoke bhi tu mujhmein kahi baaki hai
palkon mein banke aansu tu chali aati hai

ab toh aadat si hai mujhko aaise jeene mein
yeh jo yaadein hai
yeh jo yaadein hai
sabhi kaatein hai
sabhi kaatein hai
Kata do inhe…kata do inhe
ab toh aadat si hai mujhko

Meaning:

Though we are no longer together
You do exist somewhere within me..
You are the tear that flows out of my eyes
 
I am alive, but lifeless without you
There’s only pain left in my heart.
There’s more to life than just the breath
However I have grown used to this way of living..
 
Though we are no longer together
You do exist somewhere within me..
You are the tear that flows out of my eyes
 
You walk with me in the dark of night
You are with me in the light of dawn.
Can the heart forget its heartbeat…?
However I have grown used to this way of living..
 
Though we are no longer together
You do exist somewhere within me..
(From the movie Kalyug)
Posted by GoldenBoy at 12:05:48 | Permalink | No Comments »

Friday, January 6, 2006

Feedback, Anger Management and Love

An Honest Feedback

So I did get my first honest feedback regarding my blog. It came from a very close friend. I was told that I write “badi badi baatein” (hollow things) on my blog.

Reflecting on it yesterday night, I do agree that I must have written things that I have not gauged fully or are mere theories/ideas. I do also stand guilty of fabricating theories, which might not be palatable for others, and even to me at other times.

So yes. I do agree. And I want to try my best to henceforth write things that are simple, as much nearer to first-hand experience or facts.

Thanks for the feedback. They are valuable and help me grow.

Anger Management
When one’s mind is under the influence of anger, i.e. when one is angry, one’s Ego perceives/fabricates threat and goes into a binge of imagination about how it will protect oneself in case of imaginary/possible threat situations. However when the anger dissipates, one comes back to the reality.
 
The important thing to understand is one should not act proactively in anger and wait for the anger to cool down. Also letting the anger to be felt, i.e. letting the anger express itself merely by feeling it, is the key to anger management.
 
Can we love people as they are?
 
I have recently been thinking about this. Many of us love people with expectations. When the loved one ceases to be a good husband, good lover, or a good friend i.e. when he stops to fulfill our expectations, or ceases to play the role we have given him, he becomes an outcast for us. We have complaints against this person then. We accuse him of cheating, unfaithfulness etc. We even cut all communications with him or break our relations.
 
Perhaps true love entails loving somebody without expectations, even when he changes.
 

This most certainly does not mean putting up with a person who turns into a tyrant, or being a victim in a relationship. One needs to take care of one’s well-being and severe any ties that would jeopardize one’s happiness or life. However, I think it is possible to keep alive the love for the other person even when you keep a distance from him for your own well-being and at the same time do everything to be happy.  

Posted by GoldenBoy at 08:05:18 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Wednesday, January 4, 2006

Ring out the Old, Bring in the New…

‘Holy Smoke’ is a movie-adaptation of a novel by the same name, written by sisters Anna and Jane Campion.
 
It tells the story of a 20 years old young Australian woman (Kate Winslet) who on a trip to India has a spiritual experience at a Guru’s discourse, an experience that changes her life and she decides to stay back in India. Her parents, when they come to know about it, want their daughter to return to normal life.
 
The daughter is brought back to Australia and isolated with a ‘de-programming professional’ (Harvey Keitel) to rid her of her fascination with the Spiritual life. However what starts off as an exercise in de-programming ends up in a game of seduction, with the girl bringing the professional down to his knees begging for sex.
 
I had been intrigued by the movie ever since I saw it at an International Film Festival in Mumbai 5-7 years ago. Perhaps it explored the relationship between the Intellect, earthly passions, and the Spirit, in a quest for a fresh new kind of Intelligence. You need to actually see the movie yourself from start to finish to draw your own conclusions.
 
A New Intelligence
 
A few days before Christmas, I ended up in a bookshop looking for a book I wanted to gift to a 14 year old. The shop owner wondered if the boy would be interested in reading what I was buying for him. We both lamented the declining interest in books among the younger generation.
 
However, as I look back, I wonder if it is all that wrong anyways. The previous generations, so occupied with intellectual intelligence went on to build a world which we see today. So much so, we divided the world into morons (low IQ) and people with average or higher IQs.
 
All through my childhood I placed a lot of importance on learning from books. Today I am trying to unlearn much of the things I learnt over the years and undo most of the reactions and prejudice that I built into my system, relying on an intellectual storehouse of memories and information. (For e.g. ideas about Monogamy, right and wrong, how to lead life etc.) In recent years, I found that life turned out to be a series of repetitive mistakes, as I operated from the same ideologies and expectations over and over again, only to find that they did not work for me anymore. I was growing more and more frustrated. People I came across didn’t adhere to any standard roles which I thought they were supposed to play. The rosy world of know-all books was entirely different from the actual world. Philosophies were just opinions, and scientific reasoning too insufficient to measure the vast spectrum of human experiences and relationships.
 
Howmuchever I tried to find security in the knowledge that I had gathered from books all these years, they failed me. I had to allow myself to get out of the limit of my mind’s certainty into the unknown real world where each moment is an exploration and needs 100% innocence to grasp an entire new way of living.
 
I have to leave the certainty of my baggage and learning of over the years, to start with a clean slate, relying not as much on my Mind, but an entirely new kind of intelligence. However even the freedom from the Mind can be quite a task, as it involves shifting base to rely on an entirely different understanding and intelligence.
Posted by GoldenBoy at 09:12:37 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

Celebration of life..

Beautiful quotes:
 
  1. The more you try to free yourself out of Maya, the more she gets stronger. Because Maya is a conscious force in the Universe.
 
  1. It’s a misconception among many seekers on this Path that you need to suppress your Ego. However it is a myth. One cannot suppress one’s Ego.
 
  1. There are two ways of getting nearer to freedom from Maya, one: Meditation, two: seeing that others are also your own self.
 
- Swami Kriyananda, the direct disciple of Paramahansa Yogananda the author of Autobiography of a Yogi.
 

-x-

The Blues and some good advice

 

Met some interesting people at the New Year celebrations. Parveen, thanks for the quotes which I shall treasure:

 

“Do what you like the most. Like if you love to paint, paint. If you like to write, write. It is the best way to cope with Depression” 

 

I like what she says. Expressing myself helps.

 

Now-a-days I feel so sad, almost all the time I am about to cry, but tears stop behind my eyes and just wouldn’t burst out. It keeps me feeling stuck and I can hardly mingle with people or be with a group.

 

-x-

Dance

 

I won’t call myself a Krishna-bhakta (i.e. a devotee of the form of God as Krishna). However my reading and company of bhakta friends has introduced me to the sweetness that manifests in this form of Avataar of the Lord.

 

So when Siddhi, a teenage girl, who has been learning Kathak dance for the past 7-8 years, performed to an enchanted audience of guests… on the tunes of a Krishna-raas song, I was transported to a different world altogether. The grace inherent in this classical dance form is so mind-blowing, and the perfection of the artiste was so mesmerizing that it seemed as if Krishna and Radha danced away in their romantic divine love in front of our eyes… God bless the girl who took our souls on a trip to Vrindhavan, and the dance form that expresses the soul of India.

 

-x-

Happy New Year !

 

The New-year’s eve brought us all together at Sachin’s house – almost 18 of us. The men and women cracked jokes, laughed, and ate together. The New Year started with a real bang, the whole of Badlapur seemed to be awake to welcome it. Old hindi film songs were sung by everyone and Siddhi danced beautifully. Her father, a fine-arts teacher brought out his paintings the next day at his place where we had all gathered. A little boy Seja played away around the house, splashing in the water, climbing on chairs and tables… It was after a long time I took a kid in my arms. It was all exciting. Another friend Subodh and his new girl-friend held close to each other and it seemed all so perfect. Sachin and  his new friend Bharat took us to the hills in the evening and we had darshan of Lord Shiva in the form of Khandoba at the hill-top.

 

A Happy New Year Indeed!

 

-x-

Another failure
 
The New Year also saw me expressing my desire for somebody, however the other person politely declined. I am learning to take failures in my stride!
Posted by GoldenBoy at 13:30:11 | Permalink | Comments (1) »