Context: Yesterday I sent a message to Uma saying, “ I feel I am just existing, not living”.
Last night I dreamt that I had lost my job and woke up feeling miserable.
I slept through the weekend; I am certainly not out of depression yet.
What is it about life in India that lulls your mind to sleep?
The painful sights of old people begging on streets and the poor surviving in pathetic conditions, makes one’s heart bleed.
The religious believe that seers and sages who practice austere meditation in the Himalayas send down their grace to the people in the country for their spiritual benediction. I wonder, for when I look around, somehow the sights of the poor and suffering wouldn’t allow my heart to be consoled by such a proposition. For even the Buddha realized that spiritual upliftment comes after material satisfaction. The story goes that he fed a starving poor before giving him spiritual instruction.
I believe that life is good. And being able to afford a bottle of good wine is as much important as finding the manna for your soul.
Coming back to the question, what is it about the life in India that puts your mind to sleep?
Is it the crowd of people that makes you insensitive to each individual face?
Or are you too scared of the feelings that are evoked in you when you come across overwhelming sights of the poor and the suffering, which throttles any ounce of compassion in you lest you get sucked away into their vortex of misery? You think you can escape that vortex by trying to put a stopper on your feelings. You turn away your face, you pretend they are not there. Until their faces haunt you in your dreams at night.
How can you escape from their miseries, when we are all connected?
I slept through the weekend, in the night and in the day. I kept telling myself that my body needed rest when the truth is that I am still struggling with depression.
Love and proposals knock at the door, and I feel uneasy to let anyone step in. Is there anyone who knows true love, or I wonder if again some two of us will end up playing games in the name of love? And I say, I am not yet ready for a relationship.
“Unconditional love – doesn’t this emerge from our being able to love ourselves, from a kind of inner security which makes us able to withstand external pressures? Love – isn’t it what remains when all else has dissolved – all anger, all frustration, all judgment, all hate? Not broken off and rejected, but rather, dissolved into the melting pot of love through having been really looked at and digested…. Having accepted all feelings, love actually turns to freedom, because in this state you are not warding off emotions any longer. You are not afraid to see the way you are, nor are you rejecting of people who are not “the way they should be.” Uma at www.basicindia.net
Till the time I feel satisfied that I have reached a greater understanding and acceptance of myself and gain a greater level of freedom, how can I be able to give anyone true love, let alone receive it?
I believe the outer world is an expression of our inner-self. When I am able to accept myself and my feelings and reach that greater freedom, so as to be able to reach the core of me where true love lies, the right person with true love will turn up in my life.
And perhaps, when I will be able to afford a bottle of the best of wines myself, the suffering of the poor would have been healed to a great extent too.