goldenboy

Two people sit over a cup of coffee, and try to enjoy each other’s company. I am one, I am gay. And I feel the musky presence of another male around me appealing. I enjoy it, breathing it in, feeling him in my veins as his scent travels within my body. I’m starting to enjoy it.

Half through the way, the waiter comes with the order… the fare is laid out on the table. My companion stubs his cigarette into the ashtray and looks at me, realizing I have been watching him… as a glimmer of astonishment strikes his face and disappears. He looks into my eyes as to greet me again, and to say he is back from his musings… or wherever he has been while I have been watching him all this time. He smiles embarrassed, and then turns to food.

We dine quietly. We don’t talk. There is nothing much we have in common.

Then there is an effort for communication, and I forget now who tries to break the silence first. We travel around the world, and different worlds… he takes me on a long journey of words… I follow him, intent on accompanying him on his treasure hunt as he turns every other rock on the way… showing me things which he thinks I need to see. I hold my breath, afraid to miss some word and drop out of his world. I watch him as the contours of his face change a million times, observing him while he animatedly explains things to me- subtle sciences, philosophy, religion…

-x-

The plates are finished now. And he is quiet as he takes out notes from his wallet to hand out to the steward. I find myself suddenly jolted out of his world; it has been a tiring journey. My neck aches. And my body longs to get out of the place. I look around for refuge; a guy at the other table is having his dinner quietly… I inspect his facial features… so poetic, so intensely handsome…

This has not been my day… This has not been my journey.

Kiddo, how do I forget you? Every time I hear a love song, pain stirs up… so unbearable. I gave my heart away to 3 people in my life, however to none I gave my heart so completely as I gave to you. You are etched on my heart so deep that at times I feel I will have to put an end to my life to be able to forget you… however is there freedom on the other side of death?

I go through the day, muting a part of myself, so that my heart would stop bleeding and I could attend to the chores of daily life. But you exist as a part of me within, and how-much-so-ever I try to deny this, my heart pines for you and shrieks for attention. How can I keep ignoring it any longer?

Why can’t I forget you? Why can’t I erase you from my mind and heart and my life? What have you done to me?

Please free me. Please let me go. Please let me live..

(photograph: www.saudek.com)

It is funny how the days go… The sun comes up the horizon, birds sing and it travels across the sky and sets behind the tall buildings… and all that is left for a while is the pinks and the yellows in the sky… and then darkness creeps in. Everything is still, everything’s quiet… until the sun decides to climb up that horizon again.

And as this drama continues, another one that of a million people goes on, on the earth. They wake up at the crack of dawn and leave their homes for work, come back when the sun bids good-bye, have sex and wine and then go to sleep.

-x-

I try hard to know what is my story. Perhaps I know it, however am too weak to bear to listen to it.

At times the winds blow and whisper a word or two from its pages… and I shiver as the words brush against my ears. Not me, I say. And then my body convulses, struggles for a thousand days in sickness, afraid to allow the words to settle in, too scared to know the story. 

-x-x-

And though after these past two years, now my body is stronger enough to bear the burden of a couple of words of the story, it often falls sick.  

I fell sick yesterday. Didn’t go to work.

-x-x- 

Ignorance is bliss they say. And the ignorant never truly lives.

(2) 

Prashanta says we are really too insignificant. In his words I hear the echo of  the ancient Hindus who detested the individual “ego” or Aham as they called it.

But then I am born with that Aham. I feel I am too significant to be wasted. I feel my suffering has got to do with the insignificance that people around me attach to human life. Each life is a phenomenon of countless and immense possibilities.  

Don’t compare the far-away stars and the Universe with my identity, Prashanta. There is no comparison, true. For in their existence lies my survival. And I draw my vast eternal potential from them. In a way, the whole Universe lies within me… and what an individual life can attain is astonishing in itself.

When you speak, I hear the echo of recitations from the ancient texts. And I can see through your own Aham which rejoices in that echo. There is nothing more to it, no meaning apart from the chatterings of an arrogant Mind, as ignorant as any. 

For if the Creator (if there is one), tugs at my wishful heart making it want to soar to limitless possibilities, it would be irreverent to Him, if I don’t follow my heart. And when I do, I find… the Individual is all powerful. He is the source of the energy of the Sun, the moon and the earth. He is the Spirit that breathes in all life. How can he be insignificant, Prashanta? And how can his yearnings and lusts be just a façade…?

When my closest friend Yogesh advised me to take up an evening
Call Center job, I felt a feeling of outrage and nausea. How could a young guy have any romantic liaisons in his life if he were to work in the latter part of the day late into the night? You see, I need a lot of sleep and an equal amount of touch.

However, something within me wanted me to take up this job proposition. I felt a feeling of satisfaction as I went about the usual round of Call Center interviews at this company, and got through…

-x-

Today, as I look back, I see that the inner gut feeling that motivated me to follow Yogesh’s advice and overcome my own initial reactions against the idea of taking up a Call Center job, had been the ‘Guidance’, if I may put it that way.

It was perhaps the Inner Wisdom or Universal Guidance, that is available within each one of us.

Often, a particular impulse or motivation within to do a particular thing, has no exact reason, logic or basis to warrant an action on our behalf. However, as you look at it, it might persist…

Perhaps it is the Timeless Wisdom which surpasses the past present and future, that pushes us beyond our limited knowledge, and the whims & fears of our Mind… (In my case it was fear) It comes to us in the form of a feeling that has no rhyme or reason in the daily grind of life… In the long run, it might lead to something beautiful or beneficial, or just a greater understanding of our self.

-x-

Going back to work involved facing a lot of fear and confusion. However I had people whom you can call friends and guides… Uma, Yogesh, my medicines … Surmounting all the fears and fancies of my mind and braving to follow that inner impulse to take up this job anyways, was perhaps only a matter of “deciding to face my fear”, as Uma once put it.

Now that I have enough time in the mornings (and enough money to feed myself), I intend to do a private course, which would lead to better career prospects in another industry.

-x-

And do I feel lonely? I look for an answer within me today. And feel there is a time and season for everything. Right now Career has taken the center stage in my life. Once I put it in order and do what I need to do, the rest will follow- I might even find Dickin soon. But that is for later.

Hi Uma,

Finally I get the time to write to you.

As I sms-ed you other day, I hardly find time to spend with myself. Even if I do, usually on weekends, my mind races ahead of me.. and I can hardly sit at one place… I have a thousand chores to attend to; and soon enough… I find that the weekend has passed by and I have hardly relaxed.

Along the week, my sexual appetite stirs up, and again I find myself impulsively drawn to men who seem to be sure about themselves, or are poetic or intelligent. And again I long for a stormy affair… that will sweep me off my feet.

This has been going hence, since more than a month now.

Today, after a hectic morning… (I did nothing of purport, just fooled myself into believing I need to rush about to get things done, when all I needed was to relax).. I settled down to put my last night’s dream onto my blog. While the website opened, I browsed busily to one of the other websites I used to frequent before I got this job.. www.livingtantra.net wherein I read a beautiful piece on Meditation. Meditation… as you have shown me to meditate.

The piece speaks of how we try to escape all the Anger, Pain and Awareness by taking refuge in Illusion and fantasy… Perhaps, I found my answers in this piece of article. The Anger, pain and my impatience with an uneventful (read uncontrolled) life is the cause of all the restlessness in my life at present. I know I need to let go (as you have told me time and again) and look at life as it comes, without reacting so dramatically to it.

Perhaps everyone in our group should read the piece on Meditation at Shambavi’s site. I am providing the link down here..

http://www.livingtantra.net/2006/04/meditation_unpl.html

Much Love,

Suresh

Anger and Death are two things I want to write about here.

Anger, because I have been losing my temper most frequently at work.

Death, because it has been a subject on my mind, and its strange how something like the very idea of death can flexibly change its own image in your mind. It lures me now, sweetly, promising me sweet peace and rest. When once, I was terrified even thinking about it.

Anger, death. Death is just the death of one’s identity, one’s ego, that is what they said to me once. However I wonder if it is so. Do we cease to exist after death? Is there another realm where we continue to exist?

Life is busy. And I hardly get time to be with myself.

Most recently, I had an encounter with this interesting guy (the ‘marijuana’ guy in my previous piece), and my spirit wished for the perfect evening again- the guitar and a romantic guy with a poetic soul… playing on the chords of my heart. I had wanted to wait, not wanting anyone to step in my life until I was stable and mature enough to handle a relationship. However one’s heart has a different tune to play altogether at times, and it won’t listen to you. It will tug at you for attention; lure you with its yearnings, wanting you to submit to its temptation. A guy with a guitar…

Sweet yearnings!

-x-x-

Reading The Secret Garden, written by Frances Burnett. The secret garden, for me is symbolic of a space within us… perhaps our own life…one which we can find and nurture,  when we go exploring life…  a hundred rooms, a buried key, a beautiful garden, a red-breasted robin… Dickson..

Yesterday I met a 34 years old gay guy. I went to his place. we smoked Marijuana sitting on the window sill in an inner room, our legs resting outside the window against each other. I looked out at the dark night and listened to the silence. He spoke  about his interest in music, I spoke about the effect that my first encounter with dope was having on me. I felt free. I felt romantic in his company. Didn’t I see the James Dean-like poetic pain on his face? Weren’t we now the perfect kids on the block having the  perfect time in each other’s company? Fuck the world, this was the perfect moment.

 Since I am not a smoker, he showed me how to take-in the smoke the right way so that the weed could have the right effect on my senses. I spoke about things I like speaking about. Those 5-6 minutes of smoke were the most fantastic moments of my life. .
 -x-
 At the ed of one of our group sessions, I asked Charmayne if I could hug her as I bid her good-bye. She said no, she said she wasn’t feeling like it.
 -x-
 Yesterday, after my 5minutes of ‘the perfect world’ I wanted to hug this guy, hold each other, after we had chatted till 4am into the night. I wanted the contact to be complete. I wanted physical love to flow between us.
 However, he said he didn’t feel like it. No hugging, no touch.
 I felt restricted, limited. Why couldn’t we had consummated the lovely night with a hug with love f flowing freely between us..?
 -x-
 It was magic yesterday, I had one of the most romantic few moments of my life. However, there was also a lesson in it, which I am sure I missed.
 Still unsure, still learning..

 

Thanks Yogesh, for being a great friend and guiding me, helping me cope at the workplace. I don’t know how I could have managed it all without you.

-x-

Being at the group session at Uma’s place on Saturday evening, is a unique experience. Before I decided to go for it, I had serious doubts about the whole thing. Why not rest the whole of Saturday at home, after a hectic week of work and travel, I thought.

In the group, between new people, I faced conflicting feelings within myself. I watched as the “actor” within me wanted to come out to my ‘rescue’ blabbering away sweet-nothings, hogging the limelight while I could hide behind its strong persona. However, I have come to realize that it is not the real me, just a façade to escape from what I truly feel within, when in the company of people. So I decided not to allow the “actor” to take over.

I allowed myself to look at my true feelings, that were put away in the busy week. I felt terribly lonely then, something within felt almost unsure of myself and I felt like an abandoned kid in a strange new place. I looked for refuge in Uma’s eyes and smile, I longed for Charmayne to make me feel comfortable.

Then I started feeling miserable. All the agonies of a lifetime seem to have befallen on me, as I hugged a pillow and sulked, smiling outwardly while trying to put up with my self.

Uma wanted us to write  on the topic Who am I ? I started out honestly… “I am a piece of breeze (prana?),” I wrote, “…that wants to be free”.  However my inner turmoil was waiting to take over. It reflected in what I wrote next. “… I want to explore death.”

-x-

When I heard Prashant speaking during the session (I met him for the first time that week), I felt he was my mirror-image. It seemed he wanted to break free of the confines of words to express the vast spectrum of human feelings that are left unexpressed.

Also, he seemed to have the knack of comprehending you not as much from what you spoke but from what you left unspoken. My spirit became restless, and I yearned to know more about this person. And I dared to ask him out for a drink.

-x-

At the table with my glass of drink (he doesn’t drink), I tried to connect to him. What made him tick? What was his outlook on life? I dug deep and hardly could comprehend anything. That area of specialization was his not mine.

-x-x-

Last weekend, I struggled with a strange feeling that crept out slowly from some corner of my heart and took me in its fold. There was nothing to feel sad about. But sadness took over, and grew, until my heart was so heavy that I could hardly contain the pain. I tried to watch it and not run away from it. But then it seemed unbearable. Was death the only refuge? I wondered. Death seemed so beautiful a resting place, where nothing could bother you.

I wrote a mail to Uma, explaining my situation. She wrote back. And what she wrote helped.

 “Dear Suresh,
 
I just read your mail. The fact is, that everybody is in pain but most people dont know it really. One’s pain (yours for example) feels worse maybe because you think you are the only one suffering and the only one spreading gloom and misery. My experience is that most people are doing that even while they pretend to  be happy.
 
What to do? Maybe it helps to share feelings. This is what the group is about. For people to recognise the fact that we are all alike. We feel pain precisely because there is hardly any connection between us. How to connect? No formulas!
 
One suggestion is openly and honestly sharing feelings and experiences in a supportive group. The support system is something we have to make happen between us. It is not going to automatically happen. It is like this: you have to support me and I have to support you. That does not mean being neurotically dependent but it is more in terms of caring.
 
I am reading a book just now by Paulo Coelho, called “The Zahir”. It makes a lot of sense and I think it addresses the issues you are facing. Maybe you could buy a copy.
 
One feels pain, also, because there is a movement within, which one has to learn more about. I call it the movement of the world. It brings with it emotions which are sometimes too strong for one’s heart to hold. So the answer is to widen, to expand your heart so that it can hold the pain and not collapse. In this way pain slowly diminishes,  it loses its destructive edge and can be transformed into love.
 
I dont know if any of  this is making sense to you.  Anyway take it easy! We can also talk about death some time. It is also an interesting topic!
 
Love
Uma
 And a poem by jamespkrehbiel which she sent across also,
Sometimes I think I’m gonna wait,
’till grace will make itself abound,
for happiness to come,
for dreams to show their face again,
…I know you’ll give me what I need!

Sometimes I think I’m gonna wait,
’till victories press against me,
’till trophies fill my shelf,
for memories to resurrect,
…I’m sure you’ll grant me what I need!

Sometimes I think I’m gonna wait,
’till love should come around again,
for friends to see the price I’ve paid,
for those who ease my heart of pain,
…I’m sure you’ll be there when I plead!

Sometimes I think I’m gonna wait,
’till friends forgive their evil ways,
’till I get what is truly mine,
for life to say “you’ve had enough,”
…I’m pleased you understand!

But now I think I’m gonna wait,
’till I quit holding out,
’till I make all that “could be” real,
’till I decide to risk and feel,
…’till I should make life worth it!