goldenboy

Thanks Yogesh, for being a great friend and guiding me, helping me cope at the workplace. I don’t know how I could have managed it all without you.

-x-

Being at the group session at Uma’s place on Saturday evening, is a unique experience. Before I decided to go for it, I had serious doubts about the whole thing. Why not rest the whole of Saturday at home, after a hectic week of work and travel, I thought.

In the group, between new people, I faced conflicting feelings within myself. I watched as the “actor” within me wanted to come out to my ‘rescue’ blabbering away sweet-nothings, hogging the limelight while I could hide behind its strong persona. However, I have come to realize that it is not the real me, just a façade to escape from what I truly feel within, when in the company of people. So I decided not to allow the “actor” to take over.

I allowed myself to look at my true feelings, that were put away in the busy week. I felt terribly lonely then, something within felt almost unsure of myself and I felt like an abandoned kid in a strange new place. I looked for refuge in Uma’s eyes and smile, I longed for Charmayne to make me feel comfortable.

Then I started feeling miserable. All the agonies of a lifetime seem to have befallen on me, as I hugged a pillow and sulked, smiling outwardly while trying to put up with my self.

Uma wanted us to write  on the topic Who am I ? I started out honestly… “I am a piece of breeze (prana?),” I wrote, “…that wants to be free”.  However my inner turmoil was waiting to take over. It reflected in what I wrote next. “… I want to explore death.”

-x-

When I heard Prashant speaking during the session (I met him for the first time that week), I felt he was my mirror-image. It seemed he wanted to break free of the confines of words to express the vast spectrum of human feelings that are left unexpressed.

Also, he seemed to have the knack of comprehending you not as much from what you spoke but from what you left unspoken. My spirit became restless, and I yearned to know more about this person. And I dared to ask him out for a drink.

-x-

At the table with my glass of drink (he doesn’t drink), I tried to connect to him. What made him tick? What was his outlook on life? I dug deep and hardly could comprehend anything. That area of specialization was his not mine.

-x-x-

Last weekend, I struggled with a strange feeling that crept out slowly from some corner of my heart and took me in its fold. There was nothing to feel sad about. But sadness took over, and grew, until my heart was so heavy that I could hardly contain the pain. I tried to watch it and not run away from it. But then it seemed unbearable. Was death the only refuge? I wondered. Death seemed so beautiful a resting place, where nothing could bother you.

I wrote a mail to Uma, explaining my situation. She wrote back. And what she wrote helped.

 “Dear Suresh,
 
I just read your mail. The fact is, that everybody is in pain but most people dont know it really. One’s pain (yours for example) feels worse maybe because you think you are the only one suffering and the only one spreading gloom and misery. My experience is that most people are doing that even while they pretend to  be happy.
 
What to do? Maybe it helps to share feelings. This is what the group is about. For people to recognise the fact that we are all alike. We feel pain precisely because there is hardly any connection between us. How to connect? No formulas!
 
One suggestion is openly and honestly sharing feelings and experiences in a supportive group. The support system is something we have to make happen between us. It is not going to automatically happen. It is like this: you have to support me and I have to support you. That does not mean being neurotically dependent but it is more in terms of caring.
 
I am reading a book just now by Paulo Coelho, called “The Zahir”. It makes a lot of sense and I think it addresses the issues you are facing. Maybe you could buy a copy.
 
One feels pain, also, because there is a movement within, which one has to learn more about. I call it the movement of the world. It brings with it emotions which are sometimes too strong for one’s heart to hold. So the answer is to widen, to expand your heart so that it can hold the pain and not collapse. In this way pain slowly diminishes,  it loses its destructive edge and can be transformed into love.
 
I dont know if any of  this is making sense to you.  Anyway take it easy! We can also talk about death some time. It is also an interesting topic!
 
Love
Uma
 And a poem by jamespkrehbiel which she sent across also,
Sometimes I think I’m gonna wait,
’till grace will make itself abound,
for happiness to come,
for dreams to show their face again,
…I know you’ll give me what I need!

Sometimes I think I’m gonna wait,
’till victories press against me,
’till trophies fill my shelf,
for memories to resurrect,
…I’m sure you’ll grant me what I need!

Sometimes I think I’m gonna wait,
’till love should come around again,
for friends to see the price I’ve paid,
for those who ease my heart of pain,
…I’m sure you’ll be there when I plead!

Sometimes I think I’m gonna wait,
’till friends forgive their evil ways,
’till I get what is truly mine,
for life to say “you’ve had enough,”
…I’m pleased you understand!

But now I think I’m gonna wait,
’till I quit holding out,
’till I make all that “could be” real,
’till I decide to risk and feel,
…’till I should make life worth it!