21st May, 2006 Sunday night
Hectic week, when I’m just counting down days to the weekend.
Weekend, when I wonder how to make the best use of my two-days holiday.
As I write this, there are tremors in my neck and shoulder muscles. My body is in the grip of anxiety. I pop in the night pill for anxiety so that I can have a good sleep and face the day afresh tomorrow.
At work, a few senior colleagues have made life hell for me in the team, they try to order me around or provoke my ire. Having to face them tomorrow works-up my nerves, makes me anxious. And my inexperienced self cannot avoid them at work, will need to consult them and be at their mercy.
I had been to the Ashram in the morning. I met the presiding Guru at the Ashram, today. Felt good while I sat in his company amongst the disciples. And as I sat to listen to his pravachan (preaching) from the Ramayana, I became aware of a heaviness that I carried within my body. My body listened to his words, while I listened to my body’s pain, or shall I call it sorrow, grief?
What am I grieving about? Father? Or am I just missing my elder sis? Or is it guilt that translates into anger against myself? Anger for not being able to control things in my favour…
Or is it fear?
On my journey back from the Ashram in the evening, I weigh the heaviness of my feelings that I carry, and wonder if it is only my duties towards my mother (financial, emotional) that keeps me back from taking up full-fledged Sanyas. Or if its just depression and anxiety that makes me thinks of Sanyas in the first place?
I speak to Yogesh, my closest friend over the phone and pour out my anxiety, and my angst regarding having to go to work tomorrow.
He points out that if I just concentrate on my work and not worry much about revenge or other’s, ‘Truth’ shall win me over my overdeal.
The Brahmin in him has spoken (though I always tease him he’s not a real Brahmin), and my mind is at peace.
And the world is again a peaceful place.
Today I had been to the Ashram, Devatma Shakti Society, that has a tradition of gurus who awaken kundalini (the serpent coil of energy in our spine) by Shaktipat (transfer of energy) so that one’s kundalini gradually rises up toward the head and one’s conditioning/ conditioned reflexes/ karma is burnt, taking one nearer to God-realisation. It is a tradition rooted in Tantra and in Tantra Guru is given prime Importance.
“Delusion stretches itself to the limits of your own Mind. Where the realm of the Mind ends, Delusion ceases to exist,” said my Guru sweetly.
“And the Sansar (the world of attachments) is one made of lust (Raag) i.e. passions and desires, and disdain (Dvesh). Every happiness will some day turn into sadness,” he said, “just like youth will give-way to infirmity of the body.”
“And yes, knowledge is important, however the path of knowledge is like walking on the edge of a sword. There is always the risk of pride waiting to blind you, to turn you away from Truth”. So that you would no longer see, but lose way in endless debates and self-created delusions.
He mentioned “Bhakti” as the best way out. Note that “bhakti” means devotion, not faith (shraddha). It has something of a will, dedication, humbleness, seeking, and love in it. It also has a glint of craze to it.
“Rishis (mystic poets) and munis (ascetics who do severe penance) seek it. And ultimately its not your efforts but God’s/Guru’s grace that grants it.
As Tulsidas states in these beautiful opening verses of Hanuman Chalisa… (which I try to read daily)
“I clean the mirror of my heart (1) with the dust of the feet of my Guru.”
“The state of Constant Awareness,” the Guru said, “comes through God’s/ Guru’s grace.”
Before reaching this Ashram, I spent several months reading on the Internet about Vedanta and Tantra. Though both the philosophy has its roots in the Vedas, Vedanta considers the physical world as a hindrance to self-realisation and hence recommends forsaking it, while Tantra considers the world as a means toward self-realisation. I wonder how much the Guru of the ashram believes in this. However, the true guru (from what I understand) is one’s own ‘awakened’ Shakti- which is awakened through Shaktipat (Energy-awakening act) which is a form of God’s or Guru’s grace. The Shakti then guides you, as it cleanses the karmas, and you need to let it flow freely to do its work, under the supervision of the Guru.
I can’t wait to receive my Shaktipat diksha.
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