It’s strange how anxious and reluctant I feel, when the weekend comes and I have to pack up my bag to go over to my mom’s place and stay with my family overnight. And how my heart sinks in sadness as I pack my bag the next evening and bid mom good-bye!
Unpredictable and totally inexplicable feelings like these which overwhelm my heart and body, without any regard to whether I am at office or anyplace else, is what makes me express my concern to my psychiatrist.
“I am afraid of these strong feelings (& fears) that overtake me at times”, I tell my shrink. “I fear these can effect my performance at work”
“We are here to take care of it”, he assures me, as he pens down the prescription letter.
And today on this Sunday evening as I wait by the window, with my bag packed neatly by my bedside and the clock set to strike at 7, I look at the spectrum of feelings that arise in my heart and engulf the body.
I succeed in unknotting the feelings, one from another; able to study the nuances of each feeling.
A feeling arises first, that demands total freedom for me.
Then a feeling that stands in awe, of this body and Nature.
And a feeling so sacred, wanting to scale up to the Divine, so as to find the Goddess that runs in my veins, resides in my heartbeats, breathes down my lungs, dances in my stride and in all Her Creation.
I also become aware of a new holy sense of discipline that has managed so far to fetch me a fixed-timing daytime job, with a promotion to a senior level (Assistant Team Leader). And a PG accommodation, just 20minutes ride by bus from my place of work.
Then flames up inside me a wondrous feeling, some set of strong but still unknown desires, burning bright, eager to express itself on the physical plane. What it is, where will it guide me, how shall it shape me, how do I get to read it, who doest know?
A feeling that seeks to unravel life in all its bounty & colours- a feeling that knocks at the doors of my heart seeking to set free all other feelings, so as to live life in all its colours.
It demands complete honesty from me to myself; insists that I open the doors of my heart through which shall rise forth the feelings- my fears & my aspirations. A feeling that wants that “everyday I live a little bit more”.
And then I also become aware of this feeling of some nameless fear that waits in some corner of my heart, eager to suck me in its fold. Its domain is darkness & its identity hell.
Meanwhile, I would like to share with you all a strange experience I had a couple of weeks ago. My landlady, a staunch Catholic, admonished me for worshipping the Hindu-way at her place.
First anger welled up, and I packed up all my puja material- flowers and diya, in a polythene bag and walked out to throw them in the garbage. Even as she insisted that she would not mind if I light the diya and say my prayers, I walked out the door to find a garbage bin (told her that I won’t pollute her dustbin).
As I disposed of the plastic bag and walked back home, a strange thing happened. I cried. Tears just welled up inside of me and as I walked on the street I burst out crying bitterly. The storm of tears was so strong that I had to stop sideways and wait for it to abate. But it wouldn’t.
I managed to walk past the building watchman without he noticing my tears. I quickly climbed up the corridors. And into my room! And even as I tried my best stop (my room-mate was then there), I couldn’t hold back my tears.
This continued for two more days. I would suddenly start crying. And the tears just wouldn’t stop.
I now have a new job and a new PG accomodation (with no landlady or landlord to keep an eye 24/7).
However I am still amazed why did I suddenly burst out crying!