(Meaning Ballad: A narrative poem, often of folk origin and intended to be sung, consisting of simple stanzas and usually having a refrain. – www.answers.com)
Main ik fard hoon ya ik Ehsaas hoon
Am I some colour or just a feeling…?
main ik jism hoon ya rooh ki pyas hoon
Am I a body or the thirst of a soul…?
keh sach ki talash hai door aakhash hai
I search for the Truth Far away are the skies
keh manzil pass nahi Kya tuu mere paas hai
The Destination is not close yet Are you with me (on this journey)…?
(Lyrics: Ehsaas by Jal (Urdu: جل) (meaning literally ‘water’) is a Pakistani rock band founded by Gohar Mumtaz.)
What makes it so easier for me to attend my swimming classes everyday, waking up at 6 in the morning, after not more than 5 hours of sleep, but skip work and lose my job?
What makes me feel deliriously joyful on a bus-ride to my office in the evening, on my way to collect my termination-letter?
What makes me feel as if some burden has been offloaded my back; that I breathe more easily now?
What makes me look up to the skies and say, “here I come”…?
What makes me go to my therapist Uma, and what is that one sentence I want to tell her but never found the right words to put it together, in all these four years?
Don’t tell me it is depression, and that losing my job will only exacerbate the condition.
Don’t tell me that I don’t like to work, that I am lazy, because that I know is not true at all.
When guys my age played on the playgrounds, I studiously spent time with my textbooks preparing for excellence in my exams, falling in love with prose and poetry.
When guys at college dreamt of becoming engineers and accountants, I was busy attending the drama classes.
No words can end this essay, no paragraph can hold the exhilarating feeling I feel now… like how I felt when I was pushed from the dash-board at the swimming pool the other day, hanging in the air with no ground underneath, falling, falling… feeling free… and then hitting the water that waited to embrace me, to arrest my fall… as I glided into her and swam without the floats…
She (the waters) made me a champ that day, I swam without the floats… to the other end of the pool, while my colleagues looked on.
Today I visited a cricket-club to check out if I can learn the intricacies of the game on the field and become good at it.
I messaged my friend yesterday who no longer speaks to me, saying that- now that I can swim; I want to learn to ride a bike next.
Its like finally, I want to get out of books and computers, and explore the waters, the space, and the skies…
I want to be free.
And as I take this plunge into the abyss of my quest for “wholeness”, I stand in awe of the beauty that can be mine… the colours, the lights and the speed of freedom…
Listening to my soul as she guides me, training my body as he demands freedom…
Who am I but just a jailer, to the yin and yang in their quest for Creation…? I am just a medium. I just want them to lead me. I want to be able to listen to them as they guide me and lead me. Into the beauty that is Life…
And though I feel deliriously joyful at this very idea of freedom at last, I am deeply aware of my responsibility to myself, to earn my living, to support my family, to pay for what I learn from my own pockets.