I have been fortunate, I see now, to have had the blessing to know that I am not perfect and should be open to feedback and learn more about myself and develop as a human being… I am fortunate to be blessed with the ‘seeking’ within me…
In this Path, I have seen that the more I have looked inside; I have had changes in the outer world. And the more I have looked out in the outer world (following what my heart expressed as right for me), the more I have been able to observe things about me within me.
It is like the Outer and the Inner world are inter-woven somehow. And add to this the microcosm (ourselves) and the macrocosm (the world outside as it exists), as Uma identifies them, and you now can see through the fabric of human relations and how we build our own world.
I passed almost a month feeling somehow closer to death. It felt as if death was all around me. And I even started changing things around me- old passwords that reminded me of some ex-love, planning to change my residence and job place.
And all along as I have been curious, looking at myself, wondering if I was feeling suicidal, a feeling dawned on me that this feeling could be cyclical… like night after day, an hour of darkness of the soul after an hour of light.
And as I have been reacting at my place of work, I have seen a definite pattern in myself which is perhaps a part of my conditioning – a part of me that rebels against authority (making a scene), at the same time a part of me that wants approval from authority in the form of appreciation etc. even though the work I have been doing has been a reward in itself, giving me much in return like love from my students, happiness, killing of my own inhibitions like I finding out that I can dance and yes, dance good.
Isn’t it lovely to have the gift of having a work that I enjoy? Isn’t it lovely to learn each day, even as I am training others?
So where does this seeking approval/ a pat on my back from authority & rebelling against authority come from? Perhaps it comes from my childhood, a pattern which I have carried on to my adulthood as well.
I tell my students that no matter how many times they fail, whatever they feel or happens, they each are better than the best – the King! The King enjoys each moment, and is not “output-oriented” but “fun-oriented”. He enjoys life and everything. He is the one who spreads cheer around (with his high energy). And on a rating from one to ten, he will always give himself a 10, and likewise give everyone a 10 – whether a celebrity or a beggar. He does not measure himself or anyone else on the basis of their possessions or their achievements. That’s how he/she is so unique, and he is a pleasure to be around with.
Alas! I myself failed to live up to that ideal. Feeling like a “no-way” candidate, succumbing to my “inner loser”. I apologize to my students. And I apologize to myself.
Weaving teary drama and then looking for an excuse to escape settling down in life, living the life of a wanderlust; it is time now to settle down in life. It is time now to tell the child within me, that there are no more any wolves following me to eat into my freedom, no one to abuse me or to harm me. It is time now to tell myself that I am now capable and mature enough to protect myself.
It’s time. It’s time.