— goldenboy

I have been fortunate, I see now, to have had the blessing to know that I am not perfect and should be open to feedback and learn more about myself and develop as a human being… I am fortunate to be blessed with the ‘seeking’ within me…

In this Path, I have seen that the more I have looked inside; I have had changes in the outer world. And the more I have looked out in the outer world (following what my heart expressed as right for me), the more I have been able to observe things about me within me.

It is like the Outer and the Inner world are inter-woven somehow. And add to this the microcosm (ourselves) and the macrocosm (the world outside as it exists), as Uma identifies them, and you now can see through the fabric of human relations and how we build our own world.

-x-x-x-

I passed almost a month feeling somehow closer to death. It felt as if death was all around me. And I even started changing things around me- old passwords that reminded me of some ex-love, planning to change my residence and job place.

And all along as I have been curious, looking at myself, wondering if I was feeling suicidal, a feeling dawned on me that this feeling could be cyclical… like night after day, an hour of darkness of the soul after an hour of light.

And as I have been reacting at my place of work, I have seen a definite pattern in myself which is perhaps a part of my conditioning – a part of me that rebels against authority (making a scene), at the same time a part of me that wants approval from authority in the form of appreciation etc. even though the work I have been doing has been a reward in itself, giving me much in return like love from my students, happiness, killing of my own inhibitions like I finding out that I can dance and yes, dance good.

Isn’t it lovely to have the gift of having a work that I enjoy? Isn’t it lovely to learn each day, even as I am training others?

So where does this seeking approval/ a pat on my back from authority & rebelling against authority come from? Perhaps it comes from my childhood, a pattern which I have carried on to my adulthood as well.

I tell my students that no matter how many times they fail, whatever they feel or happens, they each are better than the best – the King! The King enjoys each moment, and is not “output-oriented” but “fun-oriented”. He enjoys life and everything. He is the one who spreads cheer around (with his high energy). And on a rating from one to ten, he will always give himself a 10, and likewise give everyone a 10 – whether a celebrity or a beggar. He does not measure himself or anyone else on the basis of their possessions or their achievements. That’s how he/she is so unique, and he is a pleasure to be around with.

Alas! I myself failed to live up to that ideal. Feeling like a “no-way” candidate, succumbing to my “inner loser”. I apologize to my students. And I apologize to myself.

Weaving teary drama and then looking for an excuse to escape settling down in life, living the life of a wanderlust; it is time now to settle down in life. It is time now to tell the child within me, that there are no more any wolves following me to eat into my freedom, no one to abuse me or to harm me. It is time now to tell myself that I am now capable and mature enough to protect myself.

It’s time. It’s time.

During the course of BasicIndia sessions, we have been looking at ourselves. Daring to say things like I am selfish, I am mean etc.
Today after 3 days of leave from work, I decided to speak out to the manager about what had been weighing on my mind since a long time In doing so, I had to face people and unpleasant situation wherein I pointed out what had hurt me. Defensiveness and reactions were the initial things I faced. And with the unpleasant circumstance that I found myself in, I also found hurt within my own heart… like as if my heart was actually wounded and it was bleeding….
I wondered why I had to bring that into light, why had I not had the courage to suffer quietly? Keeping quiet and not speaking out would have perhaps helped me develop Compassion. Why can’t I see people who hurt me as “people who are valuable to us, who help us see ourselves as we react”?
 However what I feel inside, the poison is so overwhelming at times, I don’t see any compassion in my heart for the person who wants to harm me or hurt me.
And thus arises a  question… how do I develop Compassion within my heart?

Alanis Morissette – I’m A Bitch I’m A Lover lyrics

I’m a bitch, I’m tease
I’m a goddess on my knees
When you’re hurt
When you suffer
I’m your angel undercover
I’ve been numb
I’m revived
Can’t say I’m not alive
You know I wouldn’t want it ANY other way

Download the Benchod Sutta song here… (courtesy: http://zeest.wordpress.com/)

http://www.mediafire.com/?2zbyij2m0z0

B.C. Sutta or Bhenchod sutta (fucker Fag/smoke), also known as a Smoker’s Anthem, is a pop rock oriented acoustic song It is the first super hit Urdu song that includes swears and slang words, like Bhenchod and Maachod (literal translation: sister fucker, mother fucker). The mastermind behind the entire song is Skip (Saqib) who wrote the catchy lyrics and transformed them into a song.

B.C. Sutta is all about the journey in an average guy’s life, starting from his mid teens when his dad catches him smoking with his friends. Later on, when he joins college and has a girlfriend, she asks him to quit smoking. Frustrated, he roams the streets before getting married, but there too, he misses his cigarette. Sutta actually means cigarette in Urdu slang^[7]

Doston mein baitha main sutta pee raha (With friends, I was sitting and having a smoke)

Abba ne mujhe sutta peete dekh liya (Dad saw me while I was smoking…)

Ghar jab pahuncha to danda ho gaya… (When I reached home I got a pasting)

BC sutta, sutta na mila! (sister fucker Smoke, I didn’t get a smoke!)

At a literal level, it does glorify the forbidden pleasure of smoking. But substitute sutta with anything else you have been denied in life and it works equally well!^{[8] - WIKIPEIDIA}

Doston mein baitha main sutta pi raha
Abba ne mujhe sutta peete dekh liya
Ghar jab pahuncha to danda ho gaya
BENCHOD sutta, sutta na mila.
BENCHOD sutta, mujhe sutta na mila.
BENCHOD sutta, sutta na mila.
BENCHOD sutta, mujhe sutta na mila.
BENCHOD sutta, sutta na mila.

College mein gaya mujhe pyar ho gaya,
Usne bhi mujhse mera sutta cheen liya
Sadkon pe ghooma main tanha reh gaya
BENCHOD sutta, sutta na mila.
BENCHOD sutta, mujhe sutta na mila.
BENCHOD sutta, sutta na mila.
BENCHOD sutta, mujhe sutta na mila.
BENCHOD sutta, sutta na mila.

Shaadi hui main husband ban gaya
Raat bhar thoka main thak ke gir gaya
Khushiyon ki khatir mera sutta chin gaya
BENCHOD sutta.

BENCHOD sutta, mujhe sutta na mila.
BENCHOD sutta, sutta na mila.
BENCHOD sutta, mujhe sutta na mila.
BENCHOD sutta, sutta na mila.

BENCHOD MACHOD, BENCHOD MACHOD BENCHOD MACHOD.
BENCHOD MACHOD, BENCHOD MACHOD BENCHOD MACHOD.
BENCHOD MACHOD, BENCHOD MACHOD BENCHOD MACHOD.
BENCHOD MACHOD, BENCHOD MACHOD BENCHOD MACHOD.

“

 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zeest)

(In Hebrew the primary term for the word angel is Malakh)

I died as inanimate matter and arose a plant,

I died as a plant and rose again an animal.

I died as an animal and arose a man.

Why then should I fear to become less by dying?

I shall die once again as a man

To rise an angel perfect from head to foot!

Again when I suffer dissolution as an angel,

I shall become what passes the conception of man!

Let me then become non-existent, for non-existence

Sings to me in organ tones, ‘To him shall we return.’

(Persian Sufi mystic poet Jalal al-Din Muhammad Rumi , in his poem Masnavi)

Ya Khuda,

It is your glory that I see in their faces so full Beauty, so innocently ruthless in their attitude, so religiously dedicated to the flame of passion within their hearts.

O Goddess that Thou art of the Sea, how can you not roar like you do in passion, looking for love in the arms of a Beloved.

Hey Khuda, now that you have astonished me with your beauty, please let me lie forever in your arms. There is no quest anymore, just beauty and the Beloved.

Youth, there is nothing greater than the ecstasy in thy heart! And God beloved, there is no greater service than his who is a religious servant dying each day in the ecstasy of his Youth dedicated to you!

- Your Dutiful Lover.

They say when You are glad;

And when You know that your servant is lost

You send an Angel

To guide his way…

I have waited for years, my Beloved

Knowing You are not cruel,

Knowing that what is expected of me

I have done, in your sacred presence, always…

Life as it came to me

I accepted as a gift from you.

Now I look for your Angel

To show me the way…

Much word I do not have

To spend in reckless gaiety

I have always been a serious follower

Of Your Path

Much pain I have endured

And sleepless nights spent, seeking Thee

Lived through rough days without love

Looking for a sign from you…

Send me an Angel my Beloved

Its time… I am loved.

It’s time, you told me Your Story

It’s time, It’s time.

(Painting by Marianne Hunter, www.angels-and-art.co.uk/Main.html)