As always, call it coincidence or some divine force, guidance comes my way exactly when I need it, this time by way of somebody’s email on love.
In our ‘Tuesday group’ workshop last weekend, I was brought face to face with the issue of Trust in my life. How much do I ‘trust’ enough to take/ accept love? How much more trust do I need within me before I allow a relationship to blossom without ruining it through some unconscious fear!
I have passed through two intense nights in the past week, one in which I felt death was much sweeter than life, disturbed as I was within… so completely carried away by some repressed storm within that suddenly roared to be let out.
The gods alone know what demons were there that night locked in my basement, they had all reared their ugly heads – all yelling in the same night wanting to drown me in either madness or give me away to death… I felt very much disturbed, afraid…
Holding the image of a favourite deity close to my heart I prayed that night, surrendering totally to His higher force, and that seemed to make things easier.
I don’t know if God/ gods really exist. All I know is there is a certain love, some force that is higher, within or outside us… which is always there to hold our hand when we beseech for help.
In her last email a friend wrote: “In its purest form (love) demands a vulnerability of us that we are not willing to give. It demands trust.”
I feel so much strong attraction/ affection for this guy with whom perhaps I am in love, that the very word Trust, seems futile to me.
Trust comes when you expect. Trust is when you expect that when you surrender, peace or love or whatever will come your way. Is it really trust then? Or just faith, which can be blind as well?
If I am ready so much to surrender that I am willing to even give up my life, if death is going to be the result of surrendering to my inner emotion, if I can allow myself not to take assistance of doubt so as to curb my freedom to feel what I really feel for the other person…! Will then there be any room for fear or even trust? Because even if he kills me or causes me to die, will it not be allowing my feelings be for him without any conditions? Isn’t that the kind of love, the unconditional love we all look for?
What greater fear than for Death! Is it possible to be able to allow ourselves to love, without allowing our fear to overwhelm us, to keep us from feeling active love…?
For if we can surrender so fully to feel deeply the love we have in our heart for another, so as to completely allow even Death to take over us (maybe as a result of this love, or at his hands), perhaps then the very boundary between the loved and the lover will be perfectly blurred… Wouldn’t that then allow us a glimpse into that Oneness between each of us which we all are in search of? Isn’t that the final frontier of death then, the precipice of fear beyond which lies true love, the final dissolution of Ego, or perhaps even real death? This then is the ‘courage’ to Love.
Am I ready to die for love? Or would I allow fear to stop my feelings of love from finding its ultimate freedom and expression? Would I allow love to be corrupted by fear?
Osho said once that where there is love there is no fear, and where is fear there is no love.
So where is the place of Trust in all this? Isn’t surrendering the only way, not actually knowing what is to become of I and giving in without being sure of whatever?
P.S.: On the other hand is the other person for whom I feel so much of overwhelming love be able to accept this kind of love?
Will he feel threatened? In that case will I not be reflecting my own fears in him? Perhaps I will learn eventually, if Providence would favour me too Do keep me in your prayers.