Another silent weaving of words at my lips that emerge as prayers; I find solace in Wicca. Most of my adherence to this ancient religion of the gypsies is in the form of positive affirmations converted into prayers, and faith without much of a ritual.
I rejoin work at the same old workplace where I had resigned.
One fine day after the dispute with a mate at BasicIndia is brought to an abrupt end after I unsubscribe from the group, I feel like getting up and joining work.
And as if by Grace, I also get an extended contractual agreement for another year’s stay at my rental apartment.
On the day of Diwali puja at the Corporate Office of the Institute, I am given the esteemed accolade of “The Faculty of the Year” award! I feel humbled even as office politics becomes rife again with people expressing dissatisfaction etc.
At the puja, a gentleman, some manager of Franchisees, informs us in his speech the importance of the Hindu ritual of breaking coconuts in front of idols of gods in temples etc.
He says, “the coconut is hard on the outside, just like our little egos. However our true inner nature is soft and tender like the inner part of the coconut and our true nature is sweet like coconut water.” That is one point he shares with us, something he says his Guru taught him.
I feel good about it.
At the function, I am dressed best, I dance and sing, I entertain and socialize with the hundred people gathered – and marvel in my heart at the transformation that has crept in my personality ever since I have joined the Institute as English and Personality Development Trainer!
After a week at work, being unusually punctual but as hardworking and dedicated as before, I get a Sunday when I laze.
The morning sees me waking up with dreadful nightmares that visit me ever so often.
One of my students has professed love to me, and that is cause for worry.
I feel strangely attracted to a Gujarati girl from the Head-office of our corporate. She was with me in a weeklong stay outside Mumbai in a corporate training and the feelings appear mutual. However with a past of my own, I wonder how much serious I should be with this strange new whisper of my heart. I decide neither to repel it nor accept it completely; just live with it for a while and follow my heart without prejudice.
I am finally discovering that in the road to self-discovery I need to leave all self-identifications behind as new roles and desires well up, new convictions and new paths and companions.
Do I really belong to myself? Or am I just a cumulative of the plans that Nature has already destined for me?
I am still to understand the mystery called life, so why any impatience to find any answers. I am open to all options. I am a soldier of God, or perhaps a pawn in the hands of the gods in heaven. I have learnt the hard way that my ego will be shattered every time it rises in arms. And finally I think I am learning the art of true surrender.