At last evening’s (Basic India) Saturday Meditation Session, Uma played a narrative by Osho, about what he perceived as lying underneath all the destruction and war in the world today!
And he blamed it all on our incapacity to deal with our own sexuality.
We agreed that the life-force energy, the energy we find around in nature, in the seedling, the plants, in animals – is essentially sexual. And everything in nature, except man, is able to express his sexuality easily. Doesn’t mean that one goes around having sex with everyone, but the moment we even come face to face with sexuality in human relationships, we shy away from it. We repress it until it digresses into some “Perversion”, according to Osho, – like anger, aggression, even murder.
In all this, I who was the only gay present in the session, asked myself – how much gay people like me in India, even in a metropolis like Mumbai, get to express our sexuality, leave alone explore it.
The denial of that expression alone, the repression, the judgements and the convention of denial and prejudice against being gay in Society, even in a circle of “friends” or “colleagues” – makes our Existence itself a big Oppression, a burden to be borne… when our very basic primal urge needs to be covered with lies such as “I am not married yet because I had a break-up with some girl”, I don’t have “girl-friends” because… And not to mention the sneaking glance at a passing good-looking guy when straight-men and women get to cruise away to glory.
In a City where everyone is so busy with their own problems, and bigger survival issues like No Water Supply, No Electricity, No Rains, Religious riots, Human rights violation in the name of Ignorance and Power, where does a gay start to express his own rights/ the right to live “as he is” without having to depend on double-identity or lies?
Even in the age of Internet, we find it difficult to find and explore people who are similar in urges like us, other gays! Most of us are paranoid with fear about their old-age in the absence of Government Social-Security Pension schemes like in the UK, Indian gays get married to have a child: a support in India/ a security for old age.
I, for one, am tired looking out for my angel… Gay matrimonial, parties, hang-outs! Why is so difficult for somebody to find somebody to share his primal urge with, to live out life with, to care for and be cared for, to live like a couple? How can I, when there is Victorian law in the Indian Constitution Penal Code 377 which brands a gay as criminal in the eyes of law, making us easy targets for a corrupt Police Force?! (Do something about it Mr.Chidambaram!)
The thin line between hope and disappointment blurs everyday, and each night a new one is drawn… as I sing a lullaby to my own heart….
“Somewhere someone is made for me, is waiting for me, will meet me soon!” I coo to myself.
That will be the day! That will be the Day!
What are we each looking for?
A stranger with potential,
A one-night stand,
Or just a dance
At some loud Party…
A funny chat over coffee
A movie, a play
Or a rain-dance
Getting wet in the rain
Hand in hand
At Nariman Point…?
What are you looking for?
What am I looking for?
Seemingly meaningless rituals
Is there a future?
Two walking sticks together…?