De-Conditioning of Love… A personal story!
For a gay guy the biggest factor which cuts him off from the traditional Indian society is his Marital Status!
Since he cannot marry a girl (the institution of married is the exclusive privilege of Straight people), he soon finds out how different his life can be as compared to, say- his friends who grew up with him.
My friends have been married for 4-5 years now and have a kid or two!
Coming to terms with a different kind of a life as compared to the “norm”-al people does set a gay guy apart from society. He suffers emotionally with a sense of loneliness, a sense of not belonging to the community he lives in.
Apart from this societal exile, he has to face a kind of prejudice within the gay fraternity itself. There is this prejudice prevalent among the gay people in a sexually-repressed society like India, wherein each gay person rates others of his kind on the basis of outer appearance (‘looks’ in common parlance). For a gay guy, at times it gets much difficult to fit in, or find a suitable partner in an environment where the stereotype “hunks and brawns” are much in demand while the “nerds” find themselves out of place!
For GoldenBoy, it had been 5 long years since he had a live-in relationship. There was his neurosis that made him dependent on psychiatric drugs. He felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of taking care of his elderly mom which ‘sort-of’ “clipped his wings”! These set of circumstances has led him to try out all sorts of lifestyles and philosophies.
Recently he earnestly pursued Yoga.
Cutting off from all desires and consequent emotions, seemed a great option. Yoga provided a perfect answer to all his miseries.
With Yoga came the baggage of Brahmacharya (which he tried to follow in principle and practice) and disinterest in the earthly existence (“samsara”)
For generations, Indians have found a perfect way to deal with the restrictions of society in order to fit in. They call it Yoga: Kill all desires and stifle one’s individuality; commit oneself to do the ordained duty (dharma).
If one looks at it without prejudice; it is honestly a perfect way to keep one’s peace of mind for a lifetime while one prospers within the set framework of the society.
Yet it also keeps the society devoid of reforms and breeds a people who don’t question authority, unjust practices, etc.
Hindu Reformers like Adi Shankaracharya, Raja Ram Mohan Roy, Swami Vivekananda who have brought major reforms within Hinduism are the product of clash of Hinduism with other titans of the time – Buddhism, the British Raj, and Christianity respectively!
GoldenBoy is the proverbial ‘black-sheep’ who likes to wander away from the herd to graze in different pastures, to taste what greener grass lies on the other side of the fence.
No wonder then, at times people wonder if he is really gay!
So even as the sheep strayed into the realm of Yoga, he could not keep pace with the rapid mind-conditioning that was taking place!
As the Spirit starts to freeze and lose its life, GoldenBoy grows alarmed and runs towards the fence!
Yesterday at U’s music Meditation session, the music cut through layers of conditioning of his latest venture! At night GoldenBoy had dreams in his sleep, evidently signaling the breaking of his vow of Brahmacharya: he was back into his world where he was surrounded with other gay guys, looking for romance and love.