Clouds heap upon clouds and it darkens. Ah, love, why dost thou let me wait outside at the door all alone?
In the busy moments of the noontide work I am with the crowd, but on this dark lonely day it is only for thee that I hope.
If thou showest me not thy face, if thou leavest me wholly aside, I know not how I am to pass these long, rainy hours.
I keep gazing on the far-away gloom of the sky, and my heart wanders wailing with the restless wind.
(From Rabindranath Tagore’s Gitanjali Poem XVIII)
I dream of a cremation-
Four-Five people gathered in my name.
They would first wash my corpse
Then cloak it in white
And red saffron flowers, scatter
With a pint of Vermillion…
They will Carry me
To the Abode of Shiva
And set my pyre to light;
Carry my ashes
To the Sacred River.
And the ashes will run
To the confluence
Where the River meets the Sea
Goddess Yemanja, sweet mother
Of the High Oceans and the Seas.
Finally Mother, I would have
In all the bitterness of our separation, and my own inability to come terms with the reality that you had moved on and that you had found another guy, the image of the loving R was lost. All I could see was my own anger, unhappiness and betrayal.
Yes, we could be Friends. Yes. Why not?
I keep asking myself, did I deserve all this? I don’t blame you now, I just keep asking God: Did I deserve all the pain of the last 8years???? Why had I to love someone so much that I just couldn’t let him go, why did I have to love someone so much that I couldn’t just live without him???
That was why I called myself an Emotional fool. For you, the life didn’t stop. You went on with your work. You had a new partner. Why couldn’t I too move on? Why did I get stuck?
Anyways, the past is past.
This time I will add Love at the end of the email. Because even if I am too bitter inside because of all the pain that I got in our relationship, I still cannot deny the fact that I still love you, can I? Such an emotional fool, am I !
And yes, no reconciliations! There can be no reconciliations! How can there be? When I lost so much? How can there be any mending now? How can I get back all those years of my life spent in misery ? How? How R? How?
Not possible, right!
Anyways, that is my destiny. I wish you all the Love and care in the world. May you forever be happy and receive love. And most importantly may you fall in true love, someday!