Three write-ups.Read More
“There is a universal intelligent life force within everyone and everything. It resides in each of us as a deep wisdom, an inner knowing”
And I wrote back to her: Your first two books helped me to go on a journey to connect with that inner knowing, a long time ago. …… I don’t know when I will cross-over into the realm of Insane. But I am sure that this “inner universal intelligent life force within me” will watch over me. Right Shakti?
Reading about one’s categorization of mental disorder on the internet can further psyche one, who is weak-hearted. I read about mine- Borderline Personality and Bipolar Mood Disorder. It seems all so glamourous in the movies Mr.Jones, and Girl interrupted. But reading about it, and knowing that I am like that feels – different. And given the trend since it all started with that one capsule, 13 years ago, it seems to me that this will only worsen.
This was the end of the world for me. I was horrified, nothing had struck me as bad as this. I was always optimistic telling myself that “this too shall pass”. But not this time. This time it seemed a life-punishment.
Looking over my past- the frenzy of high moods, the binge of self-damage and destruction that I wrecked in my own life and relationships, I can no longer identify in which instance was the real me, and in which it wasn’t me. I no longer know me. I feel like a stranger to my own self. (Only the categorization helps me feel purged of the guilt I carried over the years of how badly I performed in all relationships. It was just my disorder, I tell myself now!)
Hindus say that one’s afflictions and sorrows in this life are indicators of one’s past life karma. So more the problems God dishes out to you in this life, should be shouldered with patience since it erases sins and leads the soul to speedy redemption.
I like that philosophy now (anything that soothes the psyched mind now, will do).
And the concept of The Universal Intelligent Force that resides in us.. When I read that quote of Shakti, I had this image of myself in a mental asylum all lost in the realm of the insane, even as I floated above watching over myself from the ceiling!
If that happens, years of existence in the loony bin would not be so terrible. Right?
I AM a so-called “drama queen” (I hate that term queen, I am just a straight gay guy). All my thoughts are exaggerated. I might perhaps not end up in a mental asylum after all. Maybe after a couple of years, I will be healthy and “all cleaned-up”, with hard work and help from professional experts. I hope that this will turn out to be true.
I took an extra tablet of anti-anxiety drug. Am all psyched up.Read More