For almost a year after my last heartbreak, I remained evasive from the world, wrapped up in my own world, not having any contact with any friend. I worked, carried out my duties towards my family, and was constantly in self-reflection. It was a very important phase of life.
I used to update my FaceBook then through my mobile phone. Technology is not to be totally trusted. All the messages I wrote during a part of that phase were somehow sent to my Sister as Facebook messages. I reproduce here the state of my mind at that one time. I found it only today, as history of FB messages to my sister. I am embarrassed for the technical glitch. But Golden Boy is not ashamed to share his innermost reflections with you, my readers.
The human world,is constantly changing. But our mind is always looking for rigidity to hold onto. It can’t be fresh,free of old.So we defend n argue without seeing what IS leaving aside “our” theories,beliefs and fears
Put in a variety of music together that U feel wil be d right mix, and we can meditate together. then a brief dialogue.
5 July 2012 06:13
It’s 6:15am. Still waiting for d 5:36am train.
I think that we mumbaikars r d most patient people.Trains r late today by almost 1hr. Yet people chat and laugh their worries away. Anger is maturely handled.
5 July 2012 16:30
I m addicted to Bengali writer Sri Rabindranath Tagore’s short stories…!
7 July 2012 04:44
Nothing is lost. The Springs when i wanted to walk through d valley of tall trees with d sound of d happy stream in d background,d fairs,d unmet horizons.
I need only to walk my current path steadily with calm- the path leads to gardens where flowers blossom under d expanse of silent blue sun-lit sky, where
brooks flow and everything is energizing. I need to be steady on my path, steady on my path.
8 July 2012 07:31
Is my daily visit to temple, just out of Fear? What lies beneath this fear- shame, guilt, self-hatred?
What is this general feeling of strong Discontent dat pervades my whole being & my life?I sensed today dat it is lack of love within me,blocking me nourishment.
Why do i have to feed all my energy into keeping up my image of d strong male, a stone to my own inner feelings of lack of self-love, shame, inadequacy?
When did I become so proud and egoist that i started looking down at others, closed to learning and unlearning?
Has the self-repression of my feelings reached to the extent of being so powerful that d electric bulbs at my place r now affected by it, d moment d repre ssed feelings r brought to the surface?
Why does my heart feel discontent, & my body feel low on energy? Becoz d nourishing spring of LOVE is dry within me. It is shrouded by fear of rejection,shame.
I do care for people, but i suppress my love for them. I am afraid of love in everyday life.
I m starting 2 believe that our body is intelligent enough,to send us signals of what it wants thru cravings & intuitive guidance to overcome & prevent illness.
8 July 2012 10:29
Chechi, I miss you much. Have always missed you so much.
8 July 2012 18:00
It Feels Weird Wen A Persn
Who Was Regular In Ur Call LOG,
Bcoms Jst A Contact In Ur Cell..
”Time Changes So Do People”
Adjusting Widout Dem Is Lyf..
8 July 2012 19:40
Even a smile given by somebody can make my day
8 July 2012 23:38
Who says Possession of a human is by ghosts or celestial beings only? Mostly it is by other human being. D human can even die to keep d possessed in his grasp.
Lord Shiva, d bird that is soul, can’t fly in ur vast day-lit sky.It lies encaged in d ties of its attachment..Like a lamb with his butcher shepherd.Intervene!
When d inner turmoil and helplessness of a self or collective people reaches its peak, there is bound to be an outer catastrophe, that’ll herald change.Waiting.
10 July 2012 19:56
The battle is between survival and guilt, between self-love and non-existence.
It is time to become ruthlessly compassionate towards my own self. I have to say NO to survive 4self-love.
It’s time to set Suresh free. Not by running away from dear captors n feeling guilty but giving myself my own share of love n energy.
Even to love my own self, i need to stand against my own fears- fear that they wil die if i don’t sacrifice my whole life for them.
Time to start spending on myself too, buy a shirt, go for a movie, instead of giving all away at home.
And yes, spending my share of money responsibly on myself, not splurging it
I just can’t believe that d collective bigger & Outer Self does not step-in when d individual self cannot help itself. It has to,will. Is that my “Faith”?
10 July 2012 22:06
I burnt like a candle,burning myself for them.Now i want no more to be a candle but be a light myself.
11 July 2012 11:19
Had to take a leave from work today. Very low on energy. Is it just worry-do i worry?
11 July 2012 15:21
God, stab my Spirit broad awake!
13 July 2012 21:00
Life itself is tapas. It is a grind-mill and each of us has to bow down and take it.
14 July 2012 16:20
There is only a hollowness, an emptiness within. D body covers it. D body is d reason 4pain,hurt,confusion,fear. D body is d seat of Mind. My existense blocks pain, fear, confusion, by covering it with d Mind tht possesses d body. D existent nothing is covered by fear. Letting fear drop, freeing body from mind, wil put dis body open to annihilation. D blooming happens when d season is ripe. Till then d flower hides within d plant. And the plant-the body-withstands seasons.
There doesn’t exist even a thin dry stream of love within me. Only ‘mamatva’-this is mine and that is,exists.
14 July 2012 17:56
I’ve suppressed all sexual thoughts n feelings.I think Love has a sexual base to it,every love.Isn’t sexual energy d source of Love,d source of Life itself?
No wonder d stream of Love within has dried up.Fear of falling in love and d resultant boiling passions dat destablizes my life,suppresses all sexual energy.Now I know why people r scared of love, scared of d sexual life force inherent in us.
Too much outside discipline has stabilized my linear Life, but suppressed my life force.
The freedom to allow sexual feelings within, to fall in love without restrictions,is d beginning of Love and of Compassion.
And where there is Love, there is no fear. I allow myself to be attracted to God’s Beauty dat manifests in people,to worship it,fall in love,die.
14 July 2012 21:33
What do i want?
14 July 2012 23:33
Yesterday,after years,i felt hunger pangs,a pain in d tummy when i didn’t have dinner post 9.My body is being strengthened by Ayurvedic medicines of Ramdev Baba
At d lake. Years of layers of running body, thought and heart. I see that i have lost d capacity to appreciate nature.
15 July 2012 10:45
The energy we turn into money is important, yet d feeling that is Love within is precious.
My false ego thought mantras and ritualist puja is my way to d Gods! I m of Shudra caste, only capable of worshipping and loving God thru Bhajans. Leave d rituals to d upper castes. My Madan Gopala loves me, when d truth is i m not even capable of having Bhakti in my heart for Him. At present i can only reach Ganesha and Hanuman, d two gods closest to d physical realm. Hanuman, grace me with some of ur param Bhakti for Hari. Ganesha help me to be steady on my journey. Love U.
15 July 2012 23:47
It was his charisma that made me yearn to be like him. I never wanted to inherit his unpopularity.
16 July 2012 11:43
With mom at d doctor’s clinic.
16 July 2012 20:16
What if in your life full of fear and anxiety, you come to know that there has never been any reason for u to fear or worry?
17 July 2012 19:08
Even as i allow my heart 2 open up 2 Love;i find a feeling of moist tenderness 4Lohit.I’ve been shying away frm love to escape pain. My heart still yearns 4him.
If i have to surrender to life and reality, i cannot ignore d love and pain within me. I need to be with these feelings,without acting out of it.
In d past few yrs i believed i don’t knw how 2 love truly.But today i knw tht my heart is capable of deep and intense love.I just need 2b able 2 hold it within.
My immaturity-lack of patience,fear of d intensity of my feelings of love,and my extreme reactions-make me suffer,dread love.
I love you Lohit. I neither wanted to possess u, nor take away ur freedom. I just wanted ur love. I know that now I’ve 2b content with d abundant love u evoked in me.You’ve made me richer in heart, knowledge and spirit.
Running away from all my unbearable feelings in d last one year, has been i running away frm myself.
Now i knw 4 real why heart-broken lovers jump off cliffs,drink.D pain of unrequited love is too much.I want to surrender to it, not exhaust myself resisting it.
18 July 2012 05:48
Out of d blue, after years, i had a stomach ache at night. Perhaps d Ayurved mediciner r strengthening my body.
Today is Karkadam kava as per the Malayalam Calendar-a day to offer food to ancestors in d temple complex.
18 July 2012 17:43
What’d you do when u’ve been stricken badly twice before and Love knocks again a 3rd time? Wil u open d door, or hide?
18 July 2012 19:43
How can my mind stay constantly fixated on his face,his face that is imprinted on my mind now;when i cud never meditate on U,oh God?Why do i find all ur divinity in my beloved’s face?
Why has d learning of all scripture failed to enlighten me, when a glance from him can set my spirit aflame?
What divinity is missing in You, oh Lord; that my spirit,mind and heart stays in constant communion with my beloved’s being,when i keep Ur name on my lips?
Why does d spirit seem capable of sacrificing your gift of Life,ready to die a thousand deaths in my love for him,yearning for a glance of my beloved?
Moksha has lost its meaning for me: i have so fallen in love with this sweet pain, am ready to reincarnate a 1000 times in his arms!
His simplicity is my religion now, his honest eyes d ultimate Truth, d longing in my heart for him is my bhakti, and his arms hold d promise of Paradise.
Gone r d fear of death and depravation as i’ve lost my centre-he is my centre now, d arrogance of the ego has been shed as his simplicity has coloured my spirit.
He won’t kill an ant,yet he’s d bravest;his simplicity disarms the cunniest of my ambitions.There’s nothing to resist in his presence wherein m totally myself,free!
He is neither You, God; nor d guru; not d scripture; nor meditation. Yet he is each of these. He evokes d greatest “surrender” in me.
I am crazy in his love, but i m also the sanest among men. I am totally disarmed in his presence yet i am the most inconquerable. He knows not his effect on me, my spirit identifies him as my prophet.
18 July 2012 22:01
No neighbourhood community guys or girls to chat with,in d late evenings at d end of a day-Such a pity!I wish it wasn’t so lonely,so isolated.
Most of us human-beings are possessed. A man frm a few centuries ago wud have categorized d possession as by higher beings like gods,confused/emotional ghosts,w
icked spirits. It is only when we wud be able to purge our minds frm these possessions,can d human in us-our real self- be born.
When will d land beneath my feet become steady and stable, stop being shaky? When will my gypsy life find someplace which i can call “home”?
20 July 2012 20:30
There is no home outside there. The promised land, is within. Yet still my own house somewhere wud b great.
21 July 2012 20:12
POWER: I have had a hunger for it. There is so much to know about oneself.Attention helps.
Even before i started trusting and following my heart, b4 i cud follow d call within,i had dug deep into books.I started wid d inner call first,it’s only now im following d outer call of financial stability-though my initial journey influences this 2nd journey and i still feel little is enough,i wud have it,can manage
22 July 2012 08:41
Friends, and even close relatives cannot be available at one’s beck and call. I should take care of myself.
22 July 2012 17:08
Why r my feelings- of love, anger, pain – so intense that i fall in bed after i feel it?
23 July 2012 04:51
“HAPPINESS in your life depends upon the QUALITY of ur THOUGHTS,
but D quality of ur thoughts depends on D PEOPLE whom you meet in ur life EVERYDAY.” So True!
23 July 2012 05:56
Yesterday my elder sister, came over for a brief visit with my nieces.Unlike me,she’s strong,positive and lucky.
Every year when she comes, i feel an elder has arrived. I feel light in d entire responsibility i take of mom and bro.
An elderly colleague to whom i had made a prayer petition,said “God” had indicated that i m in bondage.
I know everybody has some or the other problem.I m not d only one. But..
“I need respite,frm life”
23 July 2012 18:52
Someone to love, to hug, to sleep arms in arms wid- such a basic need: unfulfilled
23 July 2012 20:50
It feels better to take up reality, the bondage. “I can’t be who i m not”. I can’t resist what is, i better surrender to it. That puts me to ease.
24 July 2012 22:38
“The Happiest People don’t have everything in their life,
They just keep Creating the Situations that bring Happiness in life everyday…”
25 July 2012 05:46
The way i fell in love, has never been been love- it was madness, some kind of possession.Anything disturbing physical/mental health/life cannot be love.
Once occupation/work is sacrosanct. It should have nothing to do with “personal”life situations. Changing oneself as per d place/situation is d key.
25 July 2012 20:17
Now-a-days, what i write here in d mornings is in a state of sleepiness, since i wake up at 4am every morning for work.
I’ve seen and had lakhs of rupees at 24. I m not going to lose my sleep over a thousand rupees now.
In all d hardness of life, where’s the sweetness on my face gone?
The temple bells ring, for whom? To themselves, in their own joy!
Worshipped mentally at the Naag devata mandir -temple of god Serpent- a tuning in to d divine inherent in myself.
It is not d object of “worship” or d ritual that is important in Hindu culture, i think. What matters is what evokes d divine and d sacred in U.
26 July 2012 20:34
Certain unholy lands where d natural is still possible. Yet i live in a holy one, where d natural is unholy. Why do they term d natural as unholy?
The outcasts live beyond d city limits,near d free ocean.I m one of them.I knw pain. know pleasure.I knw happiness is a farce.Surrender 2 pain n pleasure-life.
My rituals,meditation on a divine image,chanting of mantra-all r to smoothen mind,not for pleasure or happiness but for kneading d spirit into being loose.
26 July 2012 22:22
Why do we have to seek refuge in a person whom we are frightened by? Is there no end to Fear?
May i by touched by grace
Chat conversation end
Seen 7 August